Random thoughts: Sickness...

I was hospitalised for a week. I am out of hospital now but several of my blood markers are still off.

This is a post to really vent and crystallized my thoughts.

I like to state what I am thankful for.

Obviously, it was a rather uncomfortable experience, both physically and mentally. Mentally, because I find myself second guessing the doctors. There were no trust and I worried about the hefty bill, and if insurance would reject it ( it was approved, today). Even now, a week after I discharged, I still dun feel too well, and is contemplating seeking a second opinion. 

So the first blessing is, if I am ever sick, I knew where I want to be cared for. 

Second, I grew closer to my wife and understand her better, sickness made me a more humble and patient person, I guess. I became less judgemental and bad tempered. I see things through her lens and saw her pains beyond just mine. 

Third, because I cannot really play video games (makes me dizzy) or spend too much time watching TV. I end up planning for lessons and reading.

The slow tempo, really allow me to consolidate all my teaching ideas and theories together, and I think it is a framework that will help improve my teaching. (I hope) 

The books are really special, and I really like to introduce you a book, "with the end in mind". I had borrowed the book before I was sick and hospitalised. It is about palliative care and death. Having being an assistant caregiver for both my parents in their last journey ,have left a deep impact on me.  I feel quite distressed about the idea of losing strength and waiting for death.

When I was feeling my worst in the hospital, I felt like an prisoner in my body. I couldn't lie down, (feel like vomiting) could not even stay in mediating posture, because of the headache that I describe as 9 on the pain scale. Closing your eyes doesn't reduce the pain, and any slight movement of your body send off a wave of pai. I feel like sun Wu kong, I feel my head tightened by a ring. 

So when I was discharged, I sob uncontrollably after reading the first chapter of the book. Luckily, my wife was not in my room. I did share the story with her later, and she cried too, recalling the last days with her grandma.

The next day, I sob again, after reading the second chapter. I thought I was being emotional as a "patient" 

Sure enough, the next few chapters didn't brought any tears, as I get stronger, although still uncomfortable.

Just today, I read about the story of a head teacher, and his dying days. Maybe because I am also a teacher and gets the " teachers only fall sick during the holiday" phenomenon a lot, that main character in the book, "Eric" actually contacted MND when he retired. I was sighing as I read, but when the chapter finished, I was sobbing again.

I am not someone easily moved to tears, at least not by TV shows and  movies. In fact, I sometimes tease my family when they cried and said I have already predict how the ending would be. 

I never had a book that made me cry 3 times and I am less than half through the book.

I am really blessed to have this book. There is another book "ninja selling", that is also very stimulating to the mind, I just change the word "customer or prospector" into student, and it sent off a lot of good ideas. Is one book that send positive vibes and not those forced selling books.

I also keep thinking of my pupils when I am sick. And a girl, whose parents divorced and keep quarreling during PTM came to my mind. The girl is one of the kindest in class, always willing to help others. After that mid year PTM, I ask if her parents are on good terms, and she said they always quarrel and is divorcing. When I last checked in, she told me they have separated and she said it is better for everyone. Such maturity for a P4, and she always have a smile for me, and everyone. She is someone who always see the silver lining even in a storm. 

As I recovered, or seek recovery, I will continue to remind myself to be grateful of what I have. It might sound very ridiculous, but when I am in hospital, I seem to have many nightmares, but also, I seem to have a voice telling me why are things happening in this way. A voice telling me that I have not gotten a true understanding of being thankful, and a voice telling me greed is the natural opposite of gratitude. 

Is simple things everyone know, this sickness, makes me understand it a little better. Greed, is the natural poison to our heath. Just like today, I think I eat too "heartily" for my own health. Sigh... 

I hope I continue to be a better person, regardless of my sickness

随心笔：病后，对人性的点滴参透

病了，住了七天医院。

原来

1） 有钱就是 “爷”, 有 “保” 也是爷。

2） 大爷别高兴，你也是肥羊。

3）狼和羊不知道要怎么建立信任。

4） 在没有利用价值期间，你的存在没有人在意，除了你最亲的人。

5）最亲的圈子中，老婆说的话要第一考虑，第一个讨论，一起作出决定。

6）看这里的资深护士和人沟通，看得出他们在沟通上情绪管理的维度。

7）医德，和我心里想的不一样。

Random thoughts: Air Drying of car

I left the car washing bay after I vacuum my car.

The driver in waiting was quite surprised, and ask me:" you not wiping your car dry?"

I replied:" I am a lazy person, I saw someone did that before, and I tried it, I realise the car does not have any water stain mark even if I dun wipe it dry with a cloth, thereafter, I never wipe my car dry anymore."

The driver replied, "oh air-drying, only works with clean water."

Air dry, what a cool name for something free. 

随心笔：年纪大了

年纪大了，

有很多想法，

和感触都和以前有点不同。

以前朋友很多，

现在很少，见面相聚更少，

但是寂寞也少了。

以前决定自己很没用，

现在觉得没用也没关系。

以前没什么钱，

孩子还小，样样都吃紧。

现在没有什么乱花，

要干什么还是行的。

以前渴望激情，浪漫。

现在知道心境，

才是自己的世界。

以前想远离一些人，

希望他们了解我。

现在知道自己对身边的人，

也是一直投射。

年纪大了，

不惑至天命。

没用，很在意，

却也管不了那许多了。

随心笔：忧郁

 忧郁是什么颜色。

以前一直以为是黑，或者灰。

但是原来，忧郁是突然的暗淡。

就如蓝天白云，突然乌云密布一般。

天空依然是那么辽阔，但是雨打在身上，

为什么这么冷？是之前的对照和反应吗？

当下，想欣赏雨的美，想听雨落大地的交响乐，

但不知道为什么，竟然没力撑起伞。

讽刺的是，看到躲雨的人，

嘴里还骂着，雨有什么好怕，

谁没淋过雨？

雨后是晴天，

那场雨，让晴天和我，

成了陌生人。

太阳依旧升起，

偶尔也会陶醉在美景中。

当时一直闪过，变天的焦虑。

越来阴郁，也是彩色多变的。

Random thoughts: A short getaway trip to Malaysia

Had a short getaway to Kuala Lumpur and Ipoh, because then, my family will get to see the glitter of KL city, and the natural beauty and heritage of Ipoh town. 

I must say, I enjoyed Ipoh much more, and I kind of missed the place. When I reached the boutique RockBed hotel, my son was a bit taken aback, and asked, "are we staying here". The exterior of the building is a hugh contrast to the 5 stars hotel we lived in KL. 

But when we enter the hotel, with the manager carrying our luggage, and immediately doing my check in (he was waiting for me, I am the last guest to check in), I was impressed with the décor of the hotel, the cosy feel of the lobby and the thoughtful room design. 

The hotel room itself had a water dispenser, so there is no need to boil water or worry about warm water in the middle of the night. Not to mention how spacious it is. 

We went on to visit the cave temple, Kek Long Tong, and is awed by the natural beauty of the cave and the serene and tranquil garden that comes after it. Mirror lake is another highlight of the day.

Another hotel, weil hotel, which is well known by the locals also look not the least impressive on the facade, but house 2 top trip advisor eateries. The roasted duck is the best my son and I have eaten. 

I like the substance beyond the appearance. Maybe I am disillusioned with some of the things I had experienced. The low cost of transport and food is another attraction. 

On the last day, sitting at the lobby, looking out at the run down shop houses is already quite a wonderful experience. 

In KL, a place that leaves a deep impression is wonderland 99. There is some critical reviews on Google about the living conditions of animals, but i find the animals well taken care of, lovely and interactive. Yes, we stroke and feed several animals. The ducks, peacocks and 1 peacock actually roam free. Besides the goat enclosure, the place did not smell, and I find the space of enclosure bigger than that of Japan and comparable to Singapore. I can't say the same for the petting zoo at Ipoh though. The animals are obviously in distressed. 

The cruise ride in wonderland 99 is not a ride in water, seeing nothing, like our river safari. The captain actually stop by and feed the swans and ducks such that we can see the animals up close. 

This tour, I enjoyed the less renowned or touristy attractions. I missed Ipoh and do wish to return. 

The glitter of KL, even with the atas meal and view overlooking the twin towers, is not something I would go again 

Random thoughts: In search of happiness

 Some said Happiness = Reality - Expectations

The word, "expectations" let us think about ideas like "goals setting, key performance indicators, career path, choices" etc. 

I would say Happiness = (Reality)  power of Mindset

Even negative reality, it might be possible to see enjoy happiness with the right mindset, and the mindset being the multipler of your Happiness or misery.

I deliberately left out "expectations", as I looked back, I thought I could done a lot of things differently in my younger days, especially in terms of financial decisions. i.e saving up more, spending less, be more frugal like AK, invest in property, do more regular investing during downcycle like Paul etc. It might be embrassing to say that at the stage where half of my life is perhaps already over, I still worried over money and retirement funds as compared to many bloggers who are already selling or marketing their FIRE methods. 

Hence, I decided to take whatever I have currently and just learn to be thankful for it. 

Below are some of the tradeoffs I thought I have internalised well.

1) Family over friends

I used to spend a lot of time with my friends in my younger days. During my NS days, I would stay over the night at friends' place or "tor" in the public areas with them, talking over the night and going home in the morning just to sleep.

I know meet my friends a lot less, and whatever I see gathering of my friends, I use to feel shortchanged at first, but now,  I feel so much happier that I am still chatting with my son, because I have spent a long of time at home

Yesterday, he just came to my school to join me during my CCA training session, and we played volleyball together. When I am his age, I already singing "今夜不回家”

2）Comfort over money

I would like to save a large sum of money and have a good buffer for emergency. But I have loosen up my purse. I have more overseas holidays now, and I usually said yes, whenever my wife have some ideas to bring the family or our nieces out to have fun. 

I resisted the idea of a private property for a very long time, but decided to take the plunge, and ventured into one. I still worried over money, but I am quite happy that I fulfilled my loved ones' aspirations. 

Ok. Thank you for reading my nonsensical post up till now. May your search for happiness be fruitful, and better still, there is no need for a search, since you are already surrounded by it.

Random thoughts: Looking back my bucket list of 10 years ago

The nice thing about having a blog is, you can look back at your past, and be amused or touched by what you had been through. 

Slighly more than 10 years ago, my bucket list is something like this:

1)  I would like to start a social enterprise

2) Do something about proverty overseas

3) Teach in a school with the highest FA pupils 

4) Tour Europe 

I have reached the "不惑之年"，不惑can be loosely translated as "not easily tempted or confused", I feel that is a nice word of saying "losing your dreams"

Nonetheless, I have decided that helping my pupils as much as I can, is a social enterprise, and in 3) instead of going to a school with highest FA, I would like to go to a school with many high needs pupils. It is a good reminder, and I think I  might just cross this off my bucket list. I almost wanted to move on to another school, but I felt I am not ready to leave my players who have been with me with the past 3 years. Unlike teaching, where pupils have different teachers every 1 - 2 years, my CCA pupils are with me since P3 or for some, since P2. I just can't bring myself to leave them to fend for themselves without morning training just before their NSG. Maybe I am just egolistic, but I really took a long time pondering about this. My ex-principal has expressed a willingness to accept me in her new school, so it is a case where I should easily move on to another school, if I so wishes. However, I told her I could not bring myself to do it in the end, and she wishes me all the best. 

I don't think I can do anything about proverty in Singapore or Overseas now. I think it is about how well the economy is, and it is really the job of the country leaders. I perhaps is doing something to help prepare my pupils to prepare for  the future work. (Perhaps being egolistic here again)

4) Is not really something that unreachable. Although I no longer feel any need to do it. 

There is this part in my blog post of 10 years ago, talking about FIRE too. 

I do not have FI, but i had already RE. I look forward going to work almost everyday, and wish to die at work, if possible. (Of course, not anytime soon, but when all my dependents are independent, and the elderly all taken care of. )

What a weird post, but I shall just keep the post, and see how much has changed in 10 years. 

If I need to add one more item to my bucket list, it will be 

1) To caregive for all my loved ones and send them off before I go myself. 

Random thought: Losing and coping with the disappointment

 Not talking about losing money in investment here.

Is about my kids losing a competition.

Regular readers would know I coach volleyball in my school, and I enjoyed it a lot. The kids give it their best too. They came for morning trainings, some reaching school as early as 6.30 a.m. They asked for recess practice and came 15 min before CCA starts. 

I have a group of committed and passionate pupils. 

Hence the disappointment when they cannot reach the top 4.

The format of NSG has changed, such that last year top 8 schools will start playing each other from the start, called the pool stage. Group A, which makes up the top 8 teams will have 2 teams Deleagued, and then the remainding 6 will reshuffled and play against the top 2 teams from Group B. This round of game is called League 1.

There are several advantages of this format, as compared to the past Zonal and National Competitions. One, the recreational players will unlikely meet the powerhouse and get crushed. The power house gain more experince playing with teams around the same standard. 

My kids just scrapped past being deleagued but have lost 2 games in League 1 and hence will not be able to play in the top 4 games. 

My disappointment:

1) If the kids train hard, and do what I told them. I share the resposibility. For the boys' team, I think I underestimate the level of game. I think the level of play has improved the last year, the top 8 teams in my humble opinon are playing like the top 4 teams of last year.

My boys are already better all rounded and more prepared as compared to last year team, yet they still lost, and I feel, fair and square to a better or equal team.

2) The girls team are Okies. We managed to beat the second team in Round 1. However, the form is very inconsistent, and when they don't play well, the whole team don't play well, and they are like playing at 30% of their training standard. I am not sure how to improve this part.

My resolution:

After reviewing the games with the coaches, we do have some ideas how to improve our training goin forward. Like the boys need to learn to block, and aim during service and spiking. 

Girls need to work on stress management every training session etc.

My pain:

As I said, they have around every morning, recess, and with me since Primary 3. They did well when they are in junior team, being the first and second in the competition. Although it is no one's fault, I can't help but feel that I fail them and perhaps also their parents, who indulge me with their support for their children to stay back after CCA, come early in the morning etc. 

While, I am not as emotionally affected as compared to the day of loss, I still feel the heartache now and then... I wonder when will it go away.

Random thoughts: Are u caregiving or care "showing"

This not really a rattle, but rather some uncomfortable observation.

When someone is hospitalised, it is important to show care and concern, but if the patient is weak, the hardwork comes after the patient is discharged, and caregiving kicks in.

Everyone want to rush to the hospital at the first timing, to show concern, family members sit in the ward for hours doing nothing except wear themselves tired. When the nurses and doctors are around, and conditions are stable, "showing" continue to seem to take more importance than "giving"

Care showing can do a lot more harm, if u shoot off your mouth, the advices or actions the patient or patient families should take. 

Yes, advices are free. Most mature adults listen to advices and smiled and make their decision. But there are no lack of fearmongers, kan Chong spiders within the immediate families, who became flustered and cause plenty of negative vibes. 

I wonder if showing care, has become a "show-off" of care nowadays? 

Or, has it become a "show"

A show with the main characters, the injured or sick taking a backseat and the care show men/ women beating their chest, crying over misfortune, seeking divine explanations etc. well, I might have exaggerated a bit, but the shows will give MediaCorp a run for their money.

The best care in my stupid eyes, is to shut up when unnecessary and start giving. Buying a nice hot meal, sending the patients' kids to school, massaging the patients etc. Do more, talk less.

And please, rest as much as possible. Caregiving is hard work.