Random thoughts: A cruel son?

My mum passed away peacefully yesterday. I was happy for her, since she need not suffer anymore, and she got her wish to die in her sleep (coma). All her children were at her death bed, and I noticed the change in breathing and told my siblings that she is going. We hurdle around her and my sister reassured her to go without worries, she actually teared in the "coma" state, and left. I think she look real peaceful when she left. 

Deep down inside, I know the relief is mutual, both for her and myself. Not just financially but also the strain in time and efforts in caregiving. 

At her wake today, both my sister and I who were the "main caregivers", seem relieved with  a load off our shoulders. 

The last 2 weeks (slightly less) is a crazy juggling act. Her conditions deteriorate very quickly. One day we were just "practicing" the changing of adult diaper pants with her standing and leaning towards me, the next day, she can't stand.

When the nurse told us she have only hours left, we start to Chant for her (my sis is Buddhist). As I chant, I search for my memories with her.  Beside the fun we had when I was a little kid, I remembered nothing really. The more recent Mermory made me feel bad showing my fustration and raising my voice at her when she soiled the sofa when I was removing her diapers. (Not actually her fault). 

My mum did her best for us, she did what was necessary, and we in return, did our best for her, and whatever was necessary. The "love"'however was missing in my heart. I reminded myself raising a child is never just about the "hardware upgrades"

Her "coma" stage (cannot be awaken), lasted rather long. We were told she can hear us, but I doubt it. I think she is waiting for her grandson, which is the only regret I had. I brought him to see her just days ago when she is still alert, but I have this nagging thought her long "wait" is to hear her grandson again. 

When I wept silently, I thought I heard her breathing got deeper and louder. I thought it was just my imaginations, but when I saw her tears before she go, I knew she is aware. She did not get to hear his grandson. My only regret in the whole short episode of caregiving. 

My mum surprising left some gold for me and my son. She also left some

Old $1 notes and $20 notes for

Me. I recalled very innocently telling her when I was a child, to keep those notes and they will be worth more when I grow up. What I said in half jest, she remembers and kept it. 

It was the second time I felt like crying in front of her presence. Regular readers would remember I always worry about her medical expenses. According to my dad, she left 10k for each of us. That is 30K. It might not be a lot of money for a lot of financial bloggers but I know it's not easy feat with her circumstances. 

I hope to leave behind both money and memories for my son. 

Mother, while I might not feel much love about you, you have been a responsible mother, I know you love me, but sadly, that feeling is not mutually proportional. 

Have a good journey. I know you are in western paradise because you deserve to be there.