Friday, March 16, 2018

Random thoughts: Emotions and state of mind

This last 2 weeks has been a real roller coaster ride for me, both emotional and physically. Which is really baffling because my dad condition is getting stable and he is somewhat stronger. It is the holiday and I supposedly should have a slower pace at work. I shall not bored u with the details of what happened, but after anxiety attacks again (gone for a long while) and feeling unhappy, I stand to understand the following:

1) letting the guard down
Throughout the term, I am working on "fighter/survivor" mode. There are times where I can't really keep my eyes open but I carried on for my pupils, and feel satisfied with myself and the work done.

Because it is the holidays, I told myself having the night doing nothing will be great rest, but I somewhat do not feel discharged but rather felt very bad tempered with the amount of work still waiting for me to be done. The fact that I couldn't spend some time with my family on weekdays afternoon as my wife brought them out to the science center also affected me and made me sour about what I am doing.

Instead of feeling relaxed, I felt fustratation.

2) Relative Pain
Throughout the term, I have no problem working hard, as I see all those I respect also slogging for their charges. However, during the holiday, when I see Facebook photos of my colleagues overseas recharging I felt very short-changed. It seems that my cultivation level is still very low.

Towards the end of holiday that feeling of frustration get stronger and stronger.

So, what can be done.

I am not too sure about operating at "survivor " mode 24/7. I believe it will eat into our souls. Let's be honest, when u are in survivor mode, u are highly focused and effective, but you block out a lot of things that might not threatened short term survivability, I personally do not think it's a good thing.

But I do see 2 things that do help me with anxiety attacks.

1) Kindness? When I think about what I can do for my pupils, my frustration is reduced by half. It is stressful but the energy is different. Frustration and disatifaction is highly negative.

2) Acceptance. The fact that a relative easier week instead of recharging me, cause me grief, is due to me comparing with others. I would not accept that I am different from others yet can be happy.

Yesterday, I was deadbeat after a short badminton session with my son (he is still a novice btw, so it's not a tough session)

But when I am closing my eyes while sitting on the sofa at night, he suddenly came to my side and turn on the u-tube to listen to the pop that I liked. I simply enjoy the magical 30 minutes or so, just listening to music and talking about which songs is better with my son. Who need to go overseas, as long as we accept our own circumstances and not let grudge and greed prevent us from being happy.

May u be happy. I understood how it felt to want to escape, the normal poison of FIRE to quit my job was quite intense. But FIRE is not solution in the case

I was thinking to myself, perhaps "survivor mode" might not be that bad afterall


  1. It is how many conceive the spark or idea of FIRE in their mind! :-)

    1. But I know now how it felt like when a job is so consuming that u realise your pay is not even worth it ... Lol

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  2. 别忘了,给自己一点掌声,因为你很棒
    别强迫自己,不需要一直 survivor mode,

    1. KW,


    2. 船到桥头自然直

  3. Sillyinvestor,

    I see you know how to heal yourself ;)

    Have fun ownself treat ownself!

    1. Smol,

      Like real, if I can really own self treat own self, I won't be venting online here ... I not wolverine.

      Hope like what anon says, the passage of time make everything good again

    2. Silyinvestor,

      What do you call this?

      "I was thinking to myself, perhaps "survivor mode" might not be that bad afterall"


      You har!

    3. Du .really think survivor mode is a good mode, but it is a great Bo bian mkde

  4. Hi Sir, you are a nice guy and you are not alone. Keep up the good work and everything will fall into place with the passage of time.

    1. Hmm Anon,

      Do I know u? Thanks for your encouragement, I kind of need it .. lol

      Hope u are coping well, since I assume u mean u are like me when u say I am not alone.

      Maybe seeing my kids will make me feel better

    2. Hi, though I do not know you, I kinda identify with you well through your posts. Things will work out well eventually. Being a bystander, I feel maybe you can take a step back to look at the issues from another point of view. Maybe start from the basics, to build up the foundations first. My apologies if I did not sound right or not provide the correct analysis. Good luck & all the best!

    3. No worries, thanks for the concern. Yup, trying to figure what is the right and most efreffect way all the time. Thanks for your concern

  5. Hi SI,

    There was a period of time where I 3wd in survival mode too. Cheong all the way in my work to save more. But I was very unhappy and it shows in other areas of my life. These days, I work even harder but I'm feeling happy. So what changed? I think as you've mentioned, acceptance and gratefulness helps a lot. I think in ur case, with colleagues, there is always situation where u have green eyes filled with envy. I'm luckier I guess, because I'm only me and myself haha :)

    I'm sure you'll pull out of your tough situation. Take a break yourself and don't feel guilty about it. If you break down, you can't continue doing the good fight anyway. So help yourself first :)

    1. Hi LP,

      That is when how we daily cultivate ourselves show, acceptance and gratefulness is not a switch we can simply switch on ...

      To be honest, those 2 feelings are seriously lacking these 2 weeks.

      Since u are working harder, are u in survivor mode too? I doubt it ? Maybe I just need my dose interacting with kids

  6. Hi SI,

    Strangely, no. In the past, I worked hard, but I was unhappy. After I recalibrate and found my equilibrium, I worked even harder now but felt nothing. Most things are just in the mind. I guess my mental state in the past and now is different, so I don't feel I'm working harder now, even though in comparison to the past, I am.

    It's really just the story we tell ourselves when things happen to us.

    1. I can understand what u are trying to say, during term time, I felt ok as spirit is high. Guess there is a point we hit threshold.

      Anyway, it didn't kill me. When I survive this, I will be stronger

  7. Hi Sillyinvestor

    I feel for you and hear you when you talk about anxiety. For me, work can be very stressful and so too trading. Can imagine if you add on problems happening to your loved ones, the combination can kill. From my experience,it's matter of finding what would work for you and for me it was doing meditation and staying active and eating well - these things add up like a bank account and even if stressful things hit you, because you have a "positive" bank account they somehow end up not hitting as badly.
    Hope you can tide over this difficult period - good things and bad things, they both never last!

    1. Hi SG trader,

      Thanks a lot for your cencern, appreciate it ... Yes, it is a threshold, if a combination hits ...

      For me, it seems getting to the thick of it insurivor mode work best lol


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