Thursday, April 21, 2016

Random thoughts: A cruel son?

My mum passed away peacefully yesterday. I was happy for her, since she need not suffer anymore, and she got her wish to die in her sleep (coma). All her children were at her death bed, and I noticed the change in breathing and told my siblings that she is going. We hurdle around her and my sister reassured her to go without worries, she actually teared in the "coma" state, and left. I think she look real peaceful when she left. 

Deep down inside, I know the relief is mutual, both for her and myself. Not just financially but also the strain in time and efforts in caregiving. 

At her wake today, both my sister and I who were the "main caregivers", seem relieved with  a load off our shoulders. 

The last 2 weeks (slightly less) is a crazy juggling act. Her conditions deteriorate very quickly. One day we were just "practicing" the changing of adult diaper pants with her standing and leaning towards me, the next day, she can't stand.

When the nurse told us she have only hours left, we start to Chant for her (my sis is Buddhist). As I chant, I search for my memories with her.  Beside the fun we had when I was a little kid, I remembered nothing really. The more recent Mermory made me feel bad showing my fustration and raising my voice at her when she soiled the sofa when I was removing her diapers. (Not actually her fault). 

My mum did her best for us, she did what was necessary, and we in return, did our best for her, and whatever was necessary. The "love"'however was missing in my heart. I reminded myself raising a child is never just about the "hardware upgrades"

Her "coma" stage (cannot be awaken), lasted rather long. We were told she can hear us, but I doubt it. I think she is waiting for her grandson, which is the only regret I had. I brought him to see her just days ago when she is still alert, but I have this nagging thought her long "wait" is to hear her grandson again. 

When I wept silently, I thought I heard her breathing got deeper and louder. I thought it was just my imaginations, but when I saw her tears before she go, I knew she is aware. She did not get to hear his grandson. My only regret in the whole short episode of caregiving. 

My mum surprising left some gold for me and my son. She also left some
Old $1 notes and $20 notes for
Me. I recalled very innocently telling her when I was a child, to keep those notes and they will be worth more when I grow up. What I said in half jest, she remembers and kept it. 

It was the second time I felt like crying in front of her presence. Regular readers would remember I always worry about her medical expenses. According to my dad, she left 10k for each of us. That is 30K. It might not be a lot of money for a lot of financial bloggers but I know it's not easy feat with her circumstances. 

I hope to leave behind both money and memories for my son. 

Mother, while I might not feel much love about you, you have been a responsible mother, I know you love me, but sadly, that feeling is not mutually proportional. 

Have a good journey. I know you are in western paradise because you deserve to be there. 

26 comments:

  1. Dear Sillyinvestor,

    Heartfelt condolences to you and your family in this time of grief and loss. Do stay strong and all the best to you. As you rightly said, your mum is in paradise now and she deserves to be there.

    Take good care!

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  2. Please take care. Do take time to grieve but don't be too hard on yourself.

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  3. Peace be with you. Part of our life. Remember to set good example for our children to carry the tradition of caring of our own parents and parents-in-law as their eyes are watching at us too.

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  4. May peace and comfort find you during this difficult time.

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  5. My deepest condolences. Please take care.

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  6. Thank you people, I am at peace. In fact, most at peace for a while. Even my colleague commented I looked more relaxed.

    Er... A bit off here, but if u wish to come to my mum's wake so that we can catch up, drop me an email ok. Have wanted to meet like minded bloggers.

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss.
    Just share with you something I resolved to do when one of my family passed away: we always feel guilty because we don't do enough when they are alive, sometime we think "this could be better" or "that could be better". So we should always treasure what we have, plan for the future but live in the present and always live without regrets every single second.

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    Replies
    1. SMK,

      Yup I have no regret. It's was a decision error regarding bringing my son down again. But actually I have done all I could, I felt relieved now instead of guilt

      Delete
  8. Hi mike
    Take care. Time will heal.

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  9. Hi SI,

    My heartfelt condolences~

    It is never easy to deal with the impeding death of our loved ones. However, death is part of the cycle of life. The strain of care giving and watching the life ebb away from your mum can prove to be very distressing and it is totally understandable to feel a sense of relieve.

    You are not cruel. I have thought so of myself once before too.

    But we are after all only human...

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    Replies
    1. Hi PP,

      Seem like we do have quite a bit in common. Ya. I do think she is quite "blessed" as is all
      Of us to have a few months to "handle" all that is necessary.

      Delete
  10. Hi SI,
    i can understand how you feel about your relationship with your mother.
    The call of duty (in you) is much stronger than the call of love.
    What is love if you can not even answer the call of duty.
    Duty first then talk about love.
    Even to your wife and son.
    "Having a child for 100 years worry for 99"
    Another words, being a father or mother is for life, really.

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    Replies
    1. Uncle temperament,

      I think u really hit the wrong note, on how I feel. While not perfect, I believed if we don't even answer the call of duty, any other words are cheap.

      Delete
  11. Hi Mike,

    My sincere condolence. Take care. Life goes on.

    Farmer.

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  12. Mike,

    My deepest condolences. Take good care of yourself and family.

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  13. Thank you people,

    I appreciate it

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  14. Wish to share my little thought here.
    Sometime I will ask, why me. Why I have to suffer so much since I was a kid and soon I may have to start dialysis and may anytime lose my life.

    But over these few weeks. I try to accept everything. In stead of being unhappy or blame for God being unfair to me. I just hope to cherish everything now and 活在当下。

    I start to believe everything happen for a reason.

    生老病死. Everybody has to face it.


    Same like mike. I have more peace now. I still care about my health but I will not so easily be affected by my blood test result. If things really happen just accept it and face it.

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  15. Hi SI

    Condolences to you and family. Take care.

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  16. My deepest condolences, take the time to grief.

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  17. Hi SI,

    Condolences to you and your family.

    Heartlandboy

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  18. Hi SI,

    My heartfelt condolences. Take care.

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  19. Hi SI,

    My heartfelt condolences. She is in a place full of happiness now.

    Take care.

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  20. You are very lucky that your family has the same religion.

    Some family siblings have different religions and troubles are created.

    ReplyDelete