Friday, April 24, 2015

Random thoughts: Paradigm shifts again?

Hmm...

My view of the world has changed. Perhaps to a little extend, my values. 

But unlike posts from 2-3 weeks ago, when I feel really down, I am actually quite at peace with myself, although the external circumstances have not changed much. 

I have drawn closer to the teaching of Buddhism, I am still a free thinker, but My philosophy in the past was very much colored by ZhuangZi's Tao and Buddhism. I am NOT a a follower, just interested in the teaching. 

SMOL, if you are reading this, my apologies for our growing distance in our philosophy cognition, although I would have agree that my low energy might be construed as groaning or moaning without myself realising it earlier, recently, I am at peace with myself. Perhaps no longer the sunshine SI, but no longer feeling low. I am actually feeling "nothing and everything"

I enjoy this while perhaps not as much as I enjoyed my carefree and high zen state of mind. I get to taste intense emotions, and I taste it as it is. I still live and breath.

On my drive home last minute, a song almost made me swell in tears. Emotional perhaps, but I accept it and savor it, in my mind, this is the "taste of life"

I thank you for your muddy cup. My cup perhaps is full. 

I start to appreciate many things more than FF, and when I write, I might sound like sour grapes. This might not mean I gave up on that, I would still like that pledge of distinction, but I now really felt it is 过眼云烟. I saw life as too unpredictable and perhaps sufferings to be caught up in that web. My post on what money can buy, it taken as I am worried about money. I am not saying I am not worried about money, but really, there are more valuable things to worry about. 

FF, is an option not to work. What if I am already FF?

I do think I am already FF, just that I do not have the option not to work. Despite the mad weeks due to multiple projects requiring my attention, and even if every morning, the thought do getting MC do creep into my mind, I still enjoy my work. I do not like the administrative part, but I appreciate it as part of my life. 

Perhaps, some might think it is a golden handcuff, I do not. I seriously think, If I struck toto, I will continue to work. 

I even thought of a blog post like surviving madness in my work, and wanted to share my tips. LOL. Maybe latter. 

"If you like what you work, you will never have to work a single day" while this quote does not apply completely to me, I feel this type of FF, perhaps is already the envy of many, and why should I be upset with chasing the cloud. I know, many will say if you want something bad enough, you will change enough of your lifestyle to get that. I say very confidently, I do not want pure monetarily FF now, at least not badly. 

I say old age as suffering, sickness as inevitable. But I am not "low", but it is now vividly in my mind, and I know everyone time will come, is money going to make it better? I think so, but am I going to create another problem with money?

I do not chase freedom, I do not chase FF, I do not even chase the happy Zen state anymore.

I just live, happy, sad, emotional, whatever.

I am at peace, although tired, although not as sunshine.

Perhaps, my views are getting "strange" or "defensive"

As I said before, I blog to crystallize my thoughts, as well as having outlet.

You need not agree with me. 




12 comments:

  1. Hi SI,

    A crisis is always good for personal cultivation. I'm glad you found peace even when externally, there's a war out there. No need to label your thought as this or that...it's just you! I'm glad you found yourself!

    I'm still thankful for that short bout of depression that overcame me in my earlier days of stock investing. At that time, it's painful. But I survived that and I know I can take similar kinds of shit in the future. The knowledge of what you can endure is very impt to me.

    I hope there'll be many more such trials in your future that wouldn't destroy you, and will make you all the more stronger for enduring it! May your life not be free of obstacles, but filled with the strength to overcome them!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi LP,

      I know what u mean. Thank you for your kind words.

      There are perhaps 2-3 rough periods in my short life, lol. Not sure which is worse or if every crisis, made me stronger? Because a period of good life makes one soft too.

      I think that's what happened to me ...

      Eveuyday is a learning day

      Delete
    2. Hi SI,

      Nah, don't worry..i only hope that when I needed the support in the future, you'll also assure me that things will be alright and I'll be fine :)

      You're right. Period of peace will soften you up. Maybe that's why I don't really like putting myself in too comfortable a position. There's always a project to do every year, and that will put me on the edge. My job also puts me on the job, with each year I'll be thinking how to make the this year's income equivalent to last year. Every year I'll have to fight fight fight lol

      Delete
    3. Yes indeed, LP

      One thing that kept me going at my job is I can focus on my job, the trouble shooting and whatever and not worry about the next pay.

      And ah gong will take care of my CPF which in turn will take care of part of my retirement.

      I am quite surprise at the rate of my CPF SA growth. Given I wipe it out for my flat and I pay close to 90% so that my wife can always have the option but to work. I think she has enough to not work and not worry about mortgage liao. LOL.

      The earlier years OA to SA top up did help. Hmm sound like AK.

      The good thing about being Employed ..

      We must always look at the bright side of our own picture. Although if one day I do join u, I will try to learn as much as I can from u, and look it the bright side of self -employed too

      Delete
    4. Hi SI,

      Well there's good and bad side to being self employed and also being employed by others. Usually I prefer to dish out the bad things to others to dissuade pple from being self employed. If they can take the downside, I think the upside of being self employed will be easy to get. Haha, but not everyone is suitable for that kind of life, I realised.

      If you ever want to go out on your own, make sure you let me know. You can probably shorten your learning curve by a few years! lol

      Delete
    5. Hmm sound like you have got trade secrets!! Lol definitely

      I have a couple of friends which already made the move.

      I think if I do make the switch, something drastic mist have happened

      Delete
  2. You are still better than me.
    I do not know when I need dialysis. When I will die.

    Sometime I do feel depressed too.

    But now I cried less. Probably because I know crying is useless. Just do whatever I can do.

    If i really have to leave this world. I also have to leave. My last wish is just not to leave before my mum. I really do not wish to see she cries for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's jia you together:)

      Delete
    2. Indeed, the only thing bothering me is just too many deadlines ... They will pass

      Yes. But if u watch our diet u might Not need it. My dad only has 15% if kidney working.

      Do watch the food, and be happy. If work is really too much, take a slower pace. In terms of money, doing flexi and giving tuition should free up 30% of time 50% of stress with 20% reduction of income. Not a bad deal if u ask me

      Delete
  3. Sillyinvestor,

    Can you remember our first few encounters in blogosphere?

    I was drawn towards you as you were the few who is well versed in Chinese philosophies, and can write in Chinese!

    And then I found out you are a Chinese teacher! The bar is higher for you as that puts you as 士。


    No, Your world view has not changed.

    Being depressed and angry is one direction of the pendulum swing.; being excited and happy is the swing in the opposite direction. Your pendulum is now at rest. In neutral. It's where you were before your mood swings.

    You may recognise this current state before you were married, before you started work, before you started school... As a child do we worry on things we worry now?


    There is no growing distance between our philosophical views. If you are an empty vessel, I wouldn't bother with you. You are a learned man. You have all the answers to all your rhetorical questions.

    What's chewing you up recently is you are aware of the potential you ought to be and the reality you are today. That's the distance that's really causing all the whining and moaning.

    Datelines, outside events, they do play a part in affecting our equilibrium. We can also be our harshest critic; and are the ones who often stress ourselves the most needlessly.

    I am glad you have found your way back to neutral.

    You did it yourself ;)




    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm..

      SMOL. thanks for your kind words.

      I do not think I am at neutral, although I agree that "happy" is the other side of the pendulum

      Actually, before I met my wife, I am a rather horrible person. I am definitely not at neutral.

      Before I met my wife, I actually thought I will die perhaps with only a dog at my bedside.

      My wife is the reflection of the bad-tempered and judgmental self, well, being "domesticated" had its strength.

      The neutral periods? Not sure if there is such a thing. Before I work? Can't really remembered.

      Actually, several things turn out well, I get to return home more often with understanding (Not without unhappiness, no need to hear it from her) from my wife. Although I did not really talk a lot when I am home, I still feel less "guilt".

      I talk to my sister more, see another side of my mother.

      Had the confidence that I am no jelly.

      Not too bad. Less time for big family outing also means less expenses.

      Delete
    2. Oh btw, I am not a 士,remind me of 壮士、烈士。

      壮士一去兮不复发

      Choy Choy choy

      Delete