Random thoughts: Flashbacks

Flash back 1

When I was perhaps 6? My elder brother had a high fever in the night. My mum brought him and I to the 24 hour private hospital at balestier. When told it will cost $60 to see the doctor, not including cost of medicine, my mother just left. On our way back, my mother keep scolding my elder brother. I thought to myself then: why wasn't my brother health more important than money?

I figured out perhaps, she didn't have more than $50 with her then, she must be also very frustrated. 

Flash back 2

Since I was in my lower primary school days, my dad has been in and out of hospital. He had his first heart operation when he is just over 40 years old. I remember the rather solemn and sometimes worrying atmostphere at home. 

The second time he did a bypass, is when I am in my university days. He had hold off the second surgery for as long as possible. He was smiling when he push to the operating theatre. He was joking and laughing heartily, the night before. A ward mate saw him and remarked that he had never seen anyone so carefree before a major operation

I thought most people would be like that, pretending to be strong, to put those loved ones around at ease. Only recently, did I realise, this is not the case, or not the default case for most people.

I also had a speculation, which I believe might be going on in my father's head. 

He might be feel that everyone of us has grown up, and that he was ready to go. 

Random thoughts: The best "thank you" gift received

I recently received a "thank you" card that I think I will never forget. It was given to me by the P6 senior boys and girls team. After their NSG competition, they did not need to and should not have turned up for CCA sessions. They should have focused on their preparation for the final exam.

During one such session, I was shocked when they turned up in full force. I chased them away, but one of the pupils passed me the card.

It consists of 2 pieces of A3 paper folded together. Some of the messages are what a teacher would "die to hear," and I can only dream of pupils saying those things to me.

This batch of pupils did surprise me. I wasn't particularly close to them compared to other batches. I asked another pupil why they had gathered together. Did they have a program to express thanks to their teachers? She told me that it was just something they had been planning for a long time.

I am very surprised by how CCA can shape a person's attitude. When I called a parent to remind them to apply for DSA, if they wished, they mentioned how much they had seen their son change after he went for training. They sounded sincere enough to make me feel appreciated.

This batch of pupils worried me a lot when they went for competition. Their progress in the game was rather slow. In fact, I questioned myself why there was a need to work so hard every morning and recess, practicing with them. I even sent a message to myself on WhatsApp to cheer myself up:

如果没有四强，要记得，我的耕耘，不是完全没意义的。当年我中学，打了一半就放弃，现在还这么喜欢，并1学以致用 继续加油

"If there is no top four, I must remember that my hard work is not entirely meaningless. I used to give up halfway during my secondary school days, but now I still enjoy it and apply what I've learned. Keep going."

Over the last 3 years, my mindset regarding training the pupils hard has changed. Initially, I wanted to be the champion. After being defeated, I told myself that it was still worth it because the skills and values acquired would help them in the DSA application. But I still quietly hoped for a minimum top four. (Hence the "四强" in the previous message.)

After I wrote that message to myself, I found another reason. Many of these players are hardly athletic. They joined just because of passion and interest. In fact, many of them are shy.

We do not talent scout for our CCA. As long as you are committed to coming for extra training, you will improve and do better, albeit at a slow pace. They might not have had a chance to be in the school team if they went to another powerhouse school.

Coincidentally, that's what one pupil wrote in the thank you card. While it hardly reflects reality, it is a teacher's dream for pupils to work hard and believe that effort can produce results.

There is this player who joined late, towards the end of P5, and she learns very slowly. But she comes for every recess training. I told her that I am impressed by her passion, and while she may not have a chance to be one of the main players, she can still contribute to the training. I told her that her starting line is just too far away, but the route is long. As long as she is willing, she is always welcome to train with us, although I might not be able to give her much attention. She needs to understand the reality of the circumstances.

I thought she might be offended or disheartened, but nope, she continues and told me she is very grateful that I didn't give up on her.

This year, the situation has reversed. Instead of 6 players, I have 8 or 9 ready players, and perhaps another 3 weaker but still deployable players

One year after COVID, the opposing teams have become stronger as schools have intensified or normalized their training. It is beneficial for the sport. While I still yearn for a top-four result, I am equally thrilled about a closely fought match. There are many lessons to be learned from it.

The previous batch had confidence issues. Many of them did not believe in themselves. In contrast, this group has an issue with overconfidence, as they topped their group in the junior league (we got lucky with the draw).

Random thoughts: Rewriting the script of unfulfilled FIRE

Warning: Random thoughts are meant very much for myself, rather than any other readers. 

The script is clear.

Work hard, save, invest wisely, and then, when passive income exceeds expenses by a significant margin, say "F*off" to your day job. You have achieved Financial Independence, Retire Early (FIRE) and have the freedom to do whatever you want.

The promise of the path to FIRE is clear, straightforward, and attainable for most white-collar workers, even those not earning top dollars.

Yet, I could not do it. So what?

A week ago, I was chatting on WhatsApp with fellow "financial bloggers," and we discussed feeling uneasy when the conversation shifted to property or "how much one has" in general. I started to feel a little inferiority complex creeping up on me again. This time, I am grabbing the inner demon by its neck and saying the following to it:

1. I will write my own script.

2. I love my work. When I achieve FIRE, I want to continue doing what I am doing—teaching pupils and coaching volleyball. So, people are paying me to do what I love, and that is freedom. I may be poor, but I have freedom.

3. Ten years ago, I wrote about my bucket list. When my mum passed away, I shared about the bucket list. I do not need to start a social enterprise, and I can live a life without fulfilling my dreams and fantasies. It is disappointing but not crippling. I will carry on with my life and find meaning daily.

4. I am well on my way to building a portfolio of reasonable dividends. However, very soon, I will liquidate most of it to buy a private property. Fulfilling the dreams of my loved ones is also my dream. I can let go.

5. FIRE means having everything.

6. I can have nothing and still stand straight. I will work until the day I drop dead at work, which is much preferred to waiting on a deathbed, even though the last journey is not controlled by my will.

I am fully aware that forcefully grabbing the neck of my inner demon indicates a lack of inner peace. Well, so be it. Whether it's sour grapes or not, I have learned to distance myself from conversations that revolve too much around "how much I make." Perhaps if I were making a substantial amount, I could join in, but currently, I simply don't enjoy participating. In fact, I find myself having lunches alone, even if the conversations don't revolve around "money and assets." Maybe as I age, I just want to focus on doing what I want, pursuing my interests, and avoiding superficial small talk.

Moreover, with my closest friends, I'm starting to feel like our conversations are going nowhere. During our recent supper three days ago, I made a deliberate effort to steer the conversation towards our beliefs, interests, lives, and values. I'm glad that my close friends still open up to me honestly. I was shocked to hear that one of them is contemplating divorce. The funny thing is, he mentioned it last year, and we didn't think much of it at the time.

Considering that I have attended several wakes and heard of the passing of many people in just a few months, I have decided to discard the conventional FIRE script and toss it into the fire pit. I need to get back to work soon, and it doesn't really bother me.

祭友文：拿起来，再放下

您的过世，是这两周，

我听到第三个离世的消息了。

我知道你热爱生活，爱分享。

你对退休生活有研究 。

不只是经济上，人人乐道的三管齐下(3 taps)，

还有精神上，社交上的活跃。

你现身说法，告诉大家，即使是运不佳，市场还是会再给你机会。

自从双亲走后，我就告诉自己要活得精彩，活得充实，过得愉快，坦然。

最近，又让我觉得，

我们奋力拿起一切，

也要潇洒放下。

我们对周围的人好，

更要对自己好。

体恤他人，也要珍惜自己。

毕竟，人生路，我也过半了。

那些伤感的人，要哭就哭。

哭了就笑吧。

生活让你想破口大骂的事，如果忍不住，就发泄发泄，然后放下，明天再爱，再精彩。

别辜负此生。

朋友，我只和你见面几次，但我觉得你也过得精彩，潇洒走一回了 

伤心的亲人，你们节哀。听说他走得安祥，这是福报。

Random thoughts: The win, loss and the coaching

This is not a post about investment.

Is about volleyball, the CCA I am in charge of. This is my second year coaching, until today, I am still learning how to do better. 

I must first explained, coaching and playing are 2 different things. Having played since secondary till my uni days at competitive level means I have a rather good understanding of the game, but it only help so much. Coaching is like management, what u want to do with the sessions, how you organise the kids, what role they play, what strategy to use, and most importantly, how to get the basics right.

I caught myself yelling a lot at the kids. I wonder if I am too results conscious.

Today, we lost the "semi final", but I am rather happy. It was the best game the kids have played. The opponent is better with less mistakes. 

I feel more at ease knowing that I actually really just wanted them to reach their potential. 

It is sad to see them go, but as compare to last year, I have many in the junior squad waiting this year.

I have manage better.

Looking at how the top 2 teams play, have also given my ideas how to train. 

I will miss them, although they are not as close as last year batch. 

I am also glad that finally, things have come to an end. I believe is decent results to be in the national top 4 and top 8

The top 8 is already hard fought with a good draw of hands. Given the boys are not motivated and didn't really train hard last year. Guess boys like last minute work, this year they played like mad. It is results beyond my expectations le. If only... ... But life has no second chances

I am also glad that many of them who can't even serve a ball in Nov last year, can hold their nerve with the top 4 teams and play a game with good rally to and fro.

It is very tiring to spend mornings and recess practising service and the sorts. 

I felt like a stupid fool at times too. I just keep telling myself is for development, I am in the education line. 

May I continue to have the strength and passion and hone my craft. 

随心笔：原来爱

原来过多的疼爱，

对孩子造成的伤害，

比没有爱，还要大 。

认识一些没人疼，

或者少人疼，

或者没人管的孩子。

他们都有些怪癖，

脾气坏，不说话，

故意跟你对着干，

但是你关心他们，

他们知道。

什么都顺着孩子的父母，

功课可以不做，

学校可以不来，

因为孩子闹一下，

就肯定是忧郁了，

辛苦了。

孩子就会自我，

什么都要顺着他，

完全吃不起苦。

我希望我错了。

但是，往往这样下去，

孩子一事无成，手不能提笔，

肩不能扛包袱。

我希望我错了，但是几年来看到的，都是如此 。

家里无人，还是再婚数次，不管环境多糟。我都觉得他们又可爱的一面，让人心疼的一面。

是你们的孩子，我与他们的缘分很短。

你的业，你自己承担吧。

孩子无罪，大人无知。

真心疼孩子吧。

如果不能，就别管他吧。

别到行逆之，孩子变成你的爸。

爱的教育，变成了堕的实验。

随心笔：味道、仪式篇

味道篇

人生如味，酸甜苦辣咸。

所谓五味杂陈，多有贬义。

五位杂陈，才是圆满人生吧。

咖啡，就有苦，酸，甜。

味道过盛，对身体无益。

唯一例外，唯有苦涩。

然，我们都厌恶苦味。

身上散发的，都是酸味。

酸葡萄。

也许嘴上不说，你羡慕别人的还少了？

切莫让酸葡萄，变成了铜臭味。

五味，淡淡即可。

所谓甜丝丝，就是如此。

仪式篇

仪式很重要。

仪式，是一种提醒，让自己牢记，让别人莫忘。

祭奠仪式，就是莫忘祖先。

仪式，也是一种尊重，表示我们的重视。

毕业仪式，对那些勤奋学习，学有所成的学生表示重视，鼓励。

提醒其他人孜孜不倦地学习。

仪式，是一种提醒，一种重视，一种尊重。

莫忘了，仪式背后，提醒什么？重视什么？

莫要本末倒置了。

新年迎春，提醒什么？尊重什么？

谁的屋子布置华丽吗？

能吃上最美味奢华的大餐吗？

红包的行情很重要吗？

还是提醒我们破旧迎新，

记得布比受有福？