This last 2 weeks has been a real roller coaster ride for me, both emotional and physically. Which is really baffling because my dad condition is getting stable and he is somewhat stronger. It is the holiday and I supposedly should have a slower pace at work. I shall not bored u with the details of what happened, but after anxiety attacks again (gone for a long while) and feeling unhappy, I stand to understand the following:
1) letting the guard down
Throughout the term, I am working on "fighter/survivor" mode. There are times where I can't really keep my eyes open but I carried on for my pupils, and feel satisfied with myself and the work done.
Because it is the holidays, I told myself having the night doing nothing will be great rest, but I somewhat do not feel discharged but rather felt very bad tempered with the amount of work still waiting for me to be done. The fact that I couldn't spend some time with my family on weekdays afternoon as my wife brought them out to the science center also affected me and made me sour about what I am doing.
Instead of feeling relaxed, I felt fustratation.
2) Relative Pain
Throughout the term, I have no problem working hard, as I see all those I respect also slogging for their charges. However, during the holiday, when I see Facebook photos of my colleagues overseas recharging I felt very short-changed. It seems that my cultivation level is still very low.
Towards the end of holiday that feeling of frustration get stronger and stronger.
So, what can be done.
I am not too sure about operating at "survivor " mode 24/7. I believe it will eat into our souls. Let's be honest, when u are in survivor mode, u are highly focused and effective, but you block out a lot of things that might not threatened short term survivability, I personally do not think it's a good thing.
But I do see 2 things that do help me with anxiety attacks.
1) Kindness? When I think about what I can do for my pupils, my frustration is reduced by half. It is stressful but the energy is different. Frustration and disatifaction is highly negative.
2) Acceptance. The fact that a relative easier week instead of recharging me, cause me grief, is due to me comparing with others. I would not accept that I am different from others yet can be happy.
Yesterday, I was deadbeat after a short badminton session with my son (he is still a novice btw, so it's not a tough session)
But when I am closing my eyes while sitting on the sofa at night, he suddenly came to my side and turn on the u-tube to listen to the pop that I liked. I simply enjoy the magical 30 minutes or so, just listening to music and talking about which songs is better with my son. Who need to go overseas, as long as we accept our own circumstances and not let grudge and greed prevent us from being happy.
May u be happy. I understood how it felt to want to escape, the normal poison of FIRE to quit my job was quite intense. But FIRE is not solution in the case
I was thinking to myself, perhaps "survivor mode" might not be that bad afterall