Random thoughts: Sickness...

I was hospitalised for a week. I am out of hospital now but several of my blood markers are still off.

This is a post to really vent and crystallized my thoughts.

I like to state what I am thankful for.

Obviously, it was a rather uncomfortable experience, both physically and mentally. Mentally, because I find myself second guessing the doctors. There were no trust and I worried about the hefty bill, and if insurance would reject it ( it was approved, today). Even now, a week after I discharged, I still dun feel too well, and is contemplating seeking a second opinion. 

So the first blessing is, if I am ever sick, I knew where I want to be cared for. 

Second, I grew closer to my wife and understand her better, sickness made me a more humble and patient person, I guess. I became less judgemental and bad tempered. I see things through her lens and saw her pains beyond just mine. 

Third, because I cannot really play video games (makes me dizzy) or spend too much time watching TV. I end up planning for lessons and reading.

The slow tempo, really allow me to consolidate all my teaching ideas and theories together, and I think it is a framework that will help improve my teaching. (I hope) 

The books are really special, and I really like to introduce you a book, "with the end in mind". I had borrowed the book before I was sick and hospitalised. It is about palliative care and death. Having being an assistant caregiver for both my parents in their last journey ,have left a deep impact on me.  I feel quite distressed about the idea of losing strength and waiting for death.

When I was feeling my worst in the hospital, I felt like an prisoner in my body. I couldn't lie down, (feel like vomiting) could not even stay in mediating posture, because of the headache that I describe as 9 on the pain scale. Closing your eyes doesn't reduce the pain, and any slight movement of your body send off a wave of pai. I feel like sun Wu kong, I feel my head tightened by a ring. 

So when I was discharged, I sob uncontrollably after reading the first chapter of the book. Luckily, my wife was not in my room. I did share the story with her later, and she cried too, recalling the last days with her grandma.

The next day, I sob again, after reading the second chapter. I thought I was being emotional as a "patient" 

Sure enough, the next few chapters didn't brought any tears, as I get stronger, although still uncomfortable.

Just today, I read about the story of a head teacher, and his dying days. Maybe because I am also a teacher and gets the " teachers only fall sick during the holiday" phenomenon a lot, that main character in the book, "Eric" actually contacted MND when he retired. I was sighing as I read, but when the chapter finished, I was sobbing again.

I am not someone easily moved to tears, at least not by TV shows and  movies. In fact, I sometimes tease my family when they cried and said I have already predict how the ending would be. 

I never had a book that made me cry 3 times and I am less than half through the book.

I am really blessed to have this book. There is another book "ninja selling", that is also very stimulating to the mind, I just change the word "customer or prospector" into student, and it sent off a lot of good ideas. Is one book that send positive vibes and not those forced selling books.

I also keep thinking of my pupils when I am sick. And a girl, whose parents divorced and keep quarreling during PTM came to my mind. The girl is one of the kindest in class, always willing to help others. After that mid year PTM, I ask if her parents are on good terms, and she said they always quarrel and is divorcing. When I last checked in, she told me they have separated and she said it is better for everyone. Such maturity for a P4, and she always have a smile for me, and everyone. She is someone who always see the silver lining even in a storm. 

As I recovered, or seek recovery, I will continue to remind myself to be grateful of what I have. It might sound very ridiculous, but when I am in hospital, I seem to have many nightmares, but also, I seem to have a voice telling me why are things happening in this way. A voice telling me that I have not gotten a true understanding of being thankful, and a voice telling me greed is the natural opposite of gratitude. 

Is simple things everyone know, this sickness, makes me understand it a little better. Greed, is the natural poison to our heath. Just like today, I think I eat too "heartily" for my own health. Sigh... 

I hope I continue to be a better person, regardless of my sickness

随心笔：病后，对人性的点滴参透

病了，住了七天医院。

原来

1） 有钱就是 “爷”, 有 “保” 也是爷。

2） 大爷别高兴，你也是肥羊。

3）狼和羊不知道要怎么建立信任。

4） 在没有利用价值期间，你的存在没有人在意，除了你最亲的人。

5）最亲的圈子中，老婆说的话要第一考虑，第一个讨论，一起作出决定。

6）看这里的资深护士和人沟通，看得出他们在沟通上情绪管理的维度。

7）医德，和我心里想的不一样。

Random thoughts: Air Drying of car

I left the car washing bay after I vacuum my car.

The driver in waiting was quite surprised, and ask me:" you not wiping your car dry?"

I replied:" I am a lazy person, I saw someone did that before, and I tried it, I realise the car does not have any water stain mark even if I dun wipe it dry with a cloth, thereafter, I never wipe my car dry anymore."

The driver replied, "oh air-drying, only works with clean water."

Air dry, what a cool name for something free. 

随心笔：年纪大了

年纪大了，

有很多想法，

和感触都和以前有点不同。

以前朋友很多，

现在很少，见面相聚更少，

但是寂寞也少了。

以前决定自己很没用，

现在觉得没用也没关系。

以前没什么钱，

孩子还小，样样都吃紧。

现在没有什么乱花，

要干什么还是行的。

以前渴望激情，浪漫。

现在知道心境，

才是自己的世界。

以前想远离一些人，

希望他们了解我。

现在知道自己对身边的人，

也是一直投射。

年纪大了，

不惑至天命。

没用，很在意，

却也管不了那许多了。

随心笔：忧郁

 忧郁是什么颜色。

以前一直以为是黑，或者灰。

但是原来，忧郁是突然的暗淡。

就如蓝天白云，突然乌云密布一般。

天空依然是那么辽阔，但是雨打在身上，

为什么这么冷？是之前的对照和反应吗？

当下，想欣赏雨的美，想听雨落大地的交响乐，

但不知道为什么，竟然没力撑起伞。

讽刺的是，看到躲雨的人，

嘴里还骂着，雨有什么好怕，

谁没淋过雨？

雨后是晴天，

那场雨，让晴天和我，

成了陌生人。

太阳依旧升起，

偶尔也会陶醉在美景中。

当时一直闪过，变天的焦虑。

越来阴郁，也是彩色多变的。

Random thoughts: A short getaway trip to Malaysia

Had a short getaway to Kuala Lumpur and Ipoh, because then, my family will get to see the glitter of KL city, and the natural beauty and heritage of Ipoh town. 

I must say, I enjoyed Ipoh much more, and I kind of missed the place. When I reached the boutique RockBed hotel, my son was a bit taken aback, and asked, "are we staying here". The exterior of the building is a hugh contrast to the 5 stars hotel we lived in KL. 

But when we enter the hotel, with the manager carrying our luggage, and immediately doing my check in (he was waiting for me, I am the last guest to check in), I was impressed with the décor of the hotel, the cosy feel of the lobby and the thoughtful room design. 

The hotel room itself had a water dispenser, so there is no need to boil water or worry about warm water in the middle of the night. Not to mention how spacious it is. 

We went on to visit the cave temple, Kek Long Tong, and is awed by the natural beauty of the cave and the serene and tranquil garden that comes after it. Mirror lake is another highlight of the day.

Another hotel, weil hotel, which is well known by the locals also look not the least impressive on the facade, but house 2 top trip advisor eateries. The roasted duck is the best my son and I have eaten. 

I like the substance beyond the appearance. Maybe I am disillusioned with some of the things I had experienced. The low cost of transport and food is another attraction. 

On the last day, sitting at the lobby, looking out at the run down shop houses is already quite a wonderful experience. 

In KL, a place that leaves a deep impression is wonderland 99. There is some critical reviews on Google about the living conditions of animals, but i find the animals well taken care of, lovely and interactive. Yes, we stroke and feed several animals. The ducks, peacocks and 1 peacock actually roam free. Besides the goat enclosure, the place did not smell, and I find the space of enclosure bigger than that of Japan and comparable to Singapore. I can't say the same for the petting zoo at Ipoh though. The animals are obviously in distressed. 

The cruise ride in wonderland 99 is not a ride in water, seeing nothing, like our river safari. The captain actually stop by and feed the swans and ducks such that we can see the animals up close. 

This tour, I enjoyed the less renowned or touristy attractions. I missed Ipoh and do wish to return. 

The glitter of KL, even with the atas meal and view overlooking the twin towers, is not something I would go again 

Random thoughts: In search of happiness

 Some said Happiness = Reality - Expectations

The word, "expectations" let us think about ideas like "goals setting, key performance indicators, career path, choices" etc. 

I would say Happiness = (Reality)  power of Mindset

Even negative reality, it might be possible to see enjoy happiness with the right mindset, and the mindset being the multipler of your Happiness or misery.

I deliberately left out "expectations", as I looked back, I thought I could done a lot of things differently in my younger days, especially in terms of financial decisions. i.e saving up more, spending less, be more frugal like AK, invest in property, do more regular investing during downcycle like Paul etc. It might be embrassing to say that at the stage where half of my life is perhaps already over, I still worried over money and retirement funds as compared to many bloggers who are already selling or marketing their FIRE methods. 

Hence, I decided to take whatever I have currently and just learn to be thankful for it. 

Below are some of the tradeoffs I thought I have internalised well.

1) Family over friends

I used to spend a lot of time with my friends in my younger days. During my NS days, I would stay over the night at friends' place or "tor" in the public areas with them, talking over the night and going home in the morning just to sleep.

I know meet my friends a lot less, and whatever I see gathering of my friends, I use to feel shortchanged at first, but now,  I feel so much happier that I am still chatting with my son, because I have spent a long of time at home

Yesterday, he just came to my school to join me during my CCA training session, and we played volleyball together. When I am his age, I already singing "今夜不回家”

2）Comfort over money

I would like to save a large sum of money and have a good buffer for emergency. But I have loosen up my purse. I have more overseas holidays now, and I usually said yes, whenever my wife have some ideas to bring the family or our nieces out to have fun. 

I resisted the idea of a private property for a very long time, but decided to take the plunge, and ventured into one. I still worried over money, but I am quite happy that I fulfilled my loved ones' aspirations. 

Ok. Thank you for reading my nonsensical post up till now. May your search for happiness be fruitful, and better still, there is no need for a search, since you are already surrounded by it.