Friday, May 27, 2022

Random venting: A weirdo emotions

Warning: Low energy post

I think I am a weirdo.

In the past few months, I have been bombarded with 1 bad news after another.

My good friend going thro divorce, another friend's mum is down with cancer and another passed away. 

In my area of work, a parent complained that I picked on her son. I misplaced a rather important document at work. 

Yet, while these incidents cause some disturbances, I got through them within minutes, made a decision on what I should do, and execute them.

My superior told me my performance might be affected due to the loss of the item. It didn't really bother me, I simply went on to discuss with my bosses and proceed with the actions to bring damage to a minimal.

I was rather "happy" with my zen, and how the many setbacks didn't seem to affect me much. The market pullback didn't even make the list of what bothers me. 

But when the team that I have been coaching and working with lost a match, I was very upset. I feel they lost to their fear and were not playing to their potential. 

In the third and fourth placing match, I told them to play to their best and the placing doesn't matter anymore. They played even worse.

I was quite taken a back by how strongly I feel about the whole incident. The night the team lost the semi-finals, I can't fall asleep and I feel tightness in my chest. The next morning, I did an punishing exercise routine to sweat it out and vent. It works only for a while. 

It's the first day of the holiday, and I still feeling rather moody, the last time I remember experience such intense unhappiness is during the caregiving and later, the passing on of my parents. 

As I lie on bed, I realise I experiencing some "separation anxiety" too. Every year, during my pupils graduation, I would feel it for a week or 2. 

I think I am weird. When my superior told me I might get a much lower performance bonus, I was just upset for like ? 10 min? 

I think I am super emo. So like instead of experiencing separation anxiety once a week, I will experience it twice a year, at the end of the NSG.