Random thoughts: Sickness...

I was hospitalised for a week. I am out of hospital now but several of my blood markers are still off.

This is a post to really vent and crystallized my thoughts.

I like to state what I am thankful for.

Obviously, it was a rather uncomfortable experience, both physically and mentally. Mentally, because I find myself second guessing the doctors. There were no trust and I worried about the hefty bill, and if insurance would reject it ( it was approved, today). Even now, a week after I discharged, I still dun feel too well, and is contemplating seeking a second opinion. 

So the first blessing is, if I am ever sick, I knew where I want to be cared for. 

Second, I grew closer to my wife and understand her better, sickness made me a more humble and patient person, I guess. I became less judgemental and bad tempered. I see things through her lens and saw her pains beyond just mine. 

Third, because I cannot really play video games (makes me dizzy) or spend too much time watching TV. I end up planning for lessons and reading.

The slow tempo, really allow me to consolidate all my teaching ideas and theories together, and I think it is a framework that will help improve my teaching. (I hope) 

The books are really special, and I really like to introduce you a book, "with the end in mind". I had borrowed the book before I was sick and hospitalised. It is about palliative care and death. Having being an assistant caregiver for both my parents in their last journey ,have left a deep impact on me.  I feel quite distressed about the idea of losing strength and waiting for death.

When I was feeling my worst in the hospital, I felt like an prisoner in my body. I couldn't lie down, (feel like vomiting) could not even stay in mediating posture, because of the headache that I describe as 9 on the pain scale. Closing your eyes doesn't reduce the pain, and any slight movement of your body send off a wave of pai. I feel like sun Wu kong, I feel my head tightened by a ring. 

So when I was discharged, I sob uncontrollably after reading the first chapter of the book. Luckily, my wife was not in my room. I did share the story with her later, and she cried too, recalling the last days with her grandma.

The next day, I sob again, after reading the second chapter. I thought I was being emotional as a "patient" 

Sure enough, the next few chapters didn't brought any tears, as I get stronger, although still uncomfortable.

Just today, I read about the story of a head teacher, and his dying days. Maybe because I am also a teacher and gets the " teachers only fall sick during the holiday" phenomenon a lot, that main character in the book, "Eric" actually contacted MND when he retired. I was sighing as I read, but when the chapter finished, I was sobbing again.

I am not someone easily moved to tears, at least not by TV shows and  movies. In fact, I sometimes tease my family when they cried and said I have already predict how the ending would be. 

I never had a book that made me cry 3 times and I am less than half through the book.

I am really blessed to have this book. There is another book "ninja selling", that is also very stimulating to the mind, I just change the word "customer or prospector" into student, and it sent off a lot of good ideas. Is one book that send positive vibes and not those forced selling books.

I also keep thinking of my pupils when I am sick. And a girl, whose parents divorced and keep quarreling during PTM came to my mind. The girl is one of the kindest in class, always willing to help others. After that mid year PTM, I ask if her parents are on good terms, and she said they always quarrel and is divorcing. When I last checked in, she told me they have separated and she said it is better for everyone. Such maturity for a P4, and she always have a smile for me, and everyone. She is someone who always see the silver lining even in a storm. 

As I recovered, or seek recovery, I will continue to remind myself to be grateful of what I have. It might sound very ridiculous, but when I am in hospital, I seem to have many nightmares, but also, I seem to have a voice telling me why are things happening in this way. A voice telling me that I have not gotten a true understanding of being thankful, and a voice telling me greed is the natural opposite of gratitude. 

Is simple things everyone know, this sickness, makes me understand it a little better. Greed, is the natural poison to our heath. Just like today, I think I eat too "heartily" for my own health. Sigh... 

I hope I continue to be a better person, regardless of my sickness