Random thoughts: What I crave since a child?

Think I am getting old, keep thinking about the past. As i watch my son grows, I often had memories of myself coming back to me.

When I was child, I was the youngest. I wasn't from a well-off family, but neither were we poor. I crave riches. I am envous of my cousin who had the latest toys. He had a store-room of mask (thunderbirds transformed vehicles).I spent long time looking at kids playing video games (rental of 1 hours sega genesis, and my favourite was golden axe)

I remembered I was looking at toys with a neighbor and commenting insensitively that "u have money, you buy lor" 

 

I remembered pestering my mum to fulfilled a causal remark to buy me a toy. 

When I become a teenager, I didn't shake that off. But added to that, I craved attention and adoration. 

I hide my envy better, but had not come to terms with them. I always wanted recognition from others, friends, teachers and particularly girls. 

I remember doing a lot of "unique and idiotic" stuff just to get friends' attention and praises. Like painting with my hands although I know nothing about it. Waiting eagerly for my friend to praise me when I perform a song with my friends at a elderly hospital. 

During secondary and college days, I have insecurity with money. Looking backwards, I wondered why I always break out in cold sweat and having this crazy thoughts that we were bankrupt and my dad has to go snatching a 50 cents coin from others. (Maybe I am crazy)

As I become a young adult, I have all these too. Envy, comparison with others make me suffer from inferior complex. Secretly comparing myself with my secondary friend who is doing much better than me. But one thing did progress. While I feel inferior, I no longer habour any unkind thoughts against my friend, I just respect and admire his status and capabilities.

As I crossed over to my 40s. I understood that these sins are still with me. As human perhaps, they would always be with us, and we need to be constantly come to terms with them and keep it in check.

Affirmation takes a different form. Although I need little affirmation from peers or superiors, I realised I still crave a lot of it from my pupils. 

Riches, perhap is one thing I am more contented with. With jealousy of others with bigger portfolio at a younger age abated, I really do not feel much about it now. I am comfortable with my "wealth" and "rate of accumulation". I am at days insecure about my financial well being, but that is intrinsically triggered rather than externally triggered. I believed while money solve a lot of problem, how badly the future plays out depend on the choices made there and then too, and not just what we do now. 

In fact, as I blog, I find the noise of "what's the point" getting louder and louder whenever I feel like blogging about a company and its results.

I hope my son will be at peace with himself as he grows.