Random inner demons

In just a few weeks, it will be Teacher's Day.

Truth to be told, it is one of the days I dread.

When I see some of my colleagues showered with gifts and I have less. When I see long messages filled with thanks and gratitude but couldn't find mine.

When I see my pupils showing appreciation to others but not me.

I feel pretty lousy and sad

Laugh all u want. This is a random inner demon post, what do u expect. 

Perhaps it is a time of self-reflection. But truth to be told, the self-reflection already started years ago. I do not think I have not tried my best for pupils under my charge, and I believe that I  have cared for them holistically, beyond their grades. 

It is a inner demon and well, one I could live with. Having dread a day but being happy for most of the year is still a good deal.

The PSLE oral examination is finally over. I used to grab hold of pupils along the corridor and do 1 to 1 practice with them. Listen to audio recordings one after another, having zoom sessions to practice with the weaker pupils. 

When I am doing it, I can't wait for it to be over. It is tiring, a 3 minutes recording takes more than 5 minutes to return and track for corrections(another 5 minutes) and u multiple that by 30, it is hours and hours of focused "marking" a few times a week. 

However, it is also during this period I build bonds with the children and our conversation sometimes goes beyond the curriculum and they start to ask questions and share problems. Maybe they feel comfortable and safer in those 1 to 1 session and many a times, I get to know them as a person, understand the challenges they are facing at home.

Children are indeed a marvel. Some of them could be having a difficult time at home, and yet when they laugh and smile, u would think that everything is fine. I am not quite sure I could be as "happy" in their shoes, maybe a trait of child is "forgetful" and it works both way.

Sorry, I digress. 

In my past years, given how much hard work I put in to prepare them for their PSLE, I always appreciate it when my pupils update me how they feel about their exams.

It could be a "yes! I did it", "Cher ! We practice that before!" Or "老师，我很紧张，我觉得我考不好！” it doesn't matter, but I just like to hear from them. 

Usually, quite a handful will give me a update voluntarily and I feel appreciated that I am one of the first thing in their mind when their exam is over. 

This year, none gave me a update.

I guess I have been too pampered in the last few years and I reminded myself it is my job to teach, and their jobs to learn. Professional and transactional. Full stop. 

I wonder if I will post this and will this be a draft?